August 14, 2005

• Go West, Young Man

  In my few decades on this earth, I recognize there is a strong association between one’s quality of life and whether or not a person left home after high school. Those who leave home tend to do much better in life than those who continue to live with their parents after high school. I honestly can’t tell what is cause and effect. Perhaps those who stay home have a problem to begin with, which leads to their inability to escape the nest. Even so, I think there’s a vicious cycle in it. Staying in one place breeds apathy and decreasing confidence that one can make a difference in one’s life by one’s own actions. Those of my relatives and friends who have stayed with parents, tend to spiral into problems. They become “the eternal child” — and thus become a huge burden on everyone else in the family, financially and emotionally.

  There is truth to the saying, “If you keep on saving someone, they will forget how to survive.”

  Relatives who. . . .

  STAYED HOME	LEFT HOME
  Uncle A: He finished pharmacy school, but immediately went back to live with his mother and father even after he got married; he and his wife sued his mother for mental incompetency and lost; his wife ran off with the lawyer; he got divorced; and now his only son is a drug-dealer.	Dad: He left home at age 16 to go to high school in Bangkok on a scholarship; finished medical school; left to go to a new country where he met his wife; still married for over 30 years; owns his own house and business and sends money home to his relatives.
  Uncle B: He finished college, but never used his degree; lived with his mother and father even after he was already married; racked up over $6000 in credit card debt; fathered an illegitimate child; before he finally moved away from his parents and his life straightened up considerably.	Mom: She left home after college, went to another country where she had no relatives, sent money home to her relatives, successfully owned and managed her own business, before finally going back to work in the medical field, still married for over 30 years.
  Cousin C: He lived at home with his mother and father after finishing high school. The only place he can get a job is at his father’s old factory. He fathered an illegitimate child, and still doesn’t earn enough to send money to support his kid, even though he is in his 40′s.	Cousin D: She left home right after high school and got a professional degree at a university that was 14 hours drive from her parents. She met her husband in dentistry school, and they opened up a practice together. She is still happily married with two great kids who have also finished their professional degrees, and has a successful practice in Thailand. She also owns two Mercedes and sends money home to her brother who is still living with their mom.
  Cousin E: He stayed in the same town for college in North Carolina, no one ever hears about him, perhaps because he’s not doing as well as his brother who left home.	Cousin F: He left North Carolina at age 14 to go to college in Boston. Last I heard he was finishing his Ph.D. at MIT and has already published a number of papers. He has never been back home except to visit.
  Cousin G: He lived with his parents after high school. Most exciting recent news, “He got a job.”	Cousin H: She left home to go to college at UC Irvine. She worked through college. Last I heard she graduated and is probably going to go into graduate studies.
  Cousin I: He never left home. He never went to college. He still lives with his mother, but finally got a job managing his father’s business (but only because his dad died). He never got married, but fathered two illegitimate children whom he can barely support due to his frivolous spending habits.	Cousin J: She left home right after high school, and went to college, despite her dad’s protests. She met her husband in accounting school and is now a successful accountant in Bangkok. She owns her own house in Bangkok, which is an amazing feat. She has two sweet kids, and can afford to send them to private school, even while she and her husband send money home to support her two older brothers who are ironically still living with their mother.
  Cousin K: He lived with his mother after high school. Got arrested for drug dealing, and after having physically assaulted his father because he wasn’t sending him money, is disowned.	Nephew L: He left home right after high school and finished a professional degree. He is now a successful dentist and can afford to send money home to his parents, except that his parents left home early too, and they don’t need anyone to send money to them.

  It is interesting to note the female to male ratio of those who left home versus those who stayed put.

  Friends who:

  STAYED HOME	LEFT HOME
  Jeremy: He lived with his mother after high school. He applied for and got a scholarship to Art Center in Pasadena, but quit after less than one year to move back in with his mother. He still works minimum wage jobs, and last I heard, he is still single.	Dan: He got a scholarship to Art Center in Pasadena, and left immediately after high school to go there. He lived on his own for a while, until Jeremy joined him. He finished his art degree and is now working for a computer graphics company, recently hired to do the next Tomb Raider. He married a strikingly gorgeous lady, who is pretty enough to be a model, who has a degree in business accounting and works in business management.
  Yvonne: She lived with her mother and father after high school, and married a guy who had no job. Even while married, she lived with her parents. She supported her entire family and her son, until she got fed up and left her husband. Last I heard she moved back to Philippines to be with other relatives. No one has heard from her since.	Claire: She left home after high school, despite her dad’s protests. She supported herself through college in a city where she knew no one. She finished her college degree and then got her Master’s degree. Now she and her husband, whom she met in college, have a cute little daughter and they own their own house in the San Francisco Bay Area. They’ve been happily married for 5 years, and she recently opened up her own business.
  DB: She lived with her parents after high school, and didn’t go to college right away. She finally moved out so she could move in with her brother. She dated numerous men, and has broken up with them all. One of them was a married man whom she dated for 4 years, before he dumped her. Then her brother kicked her out of his house because she kept bringing home guys who were eating him out of house and home, and no one was paying the bills except himself. Most recently, she stole money from her dad’s bank account and still hasn’t told him she was kicked out of nursing school.	JL: She left home after high school to attend Cal Poly where she finished her degree, and moved to Seattle where she and her boyfriend, still together after 12 years, are both successful architects. What impressed me most was that she was on the team that designed the Venezia Hotel in Las Vegas. She sends me pictures of their ski trips, and laughingly tells me that if I want to build my dream home or a hospital, that she will draw up the plans for me for free.
  Josh: He lived out of his mother’s trailer home, leaving only to go to parties. The only reason he moved out was because she died of Lou Gehrig’s disease in her 40′s, and they lost the trailer home to her creditors. He enrolled in community college twice, and got kicked out twice. He has never held a job longer than two months and is constantly asking his brother for money. He moved in with his brother after his mother died, until his brother got sick of him and kicked him out. Last I heard, Josh has moved in with a new girlfriend and has taken up smoking pot. His good looks provide him with a steady stream of girlfriends to support him.	Jason: He moved away from home at 16 to attend the Texas Academy of Math and Science. He supported himself through college on a scholarship and then went on to do graduate studies. He sent money home to support his mother and brother, while he was a graduate student (which is a pretty remarkable feat on a graduate student salary). When his mother died, he paid off her credit card bills, and helped to support his brother (still jobless). He finally kicked his brother out because he wouldn’t get a job.

  So every now and then, Matt and I get a little down that we have no relatives in Texas. We are here on our own, and we only get to see our parents about once a year, if even that. And yet, I’m consoled that so many of my relatives and friends before me have packed up their wagons and moved on. We’re not the first. And we won’t be the last. I would hope our children are brave enough to do the same for us.

  We get by. . . with a little help from our friends.

  • 6:20 am
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